I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
