He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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