I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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