apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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