I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize