i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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