Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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