he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
