did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
