U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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