the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
