Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
