my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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