3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
