Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
