The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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