wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
