i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
This toilet bowl is my home.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
