He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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