Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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