I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
