remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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