Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
