So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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