did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
