I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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