I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
