my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
