the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
