We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
