i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
