just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sext me about skeletons
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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