Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
