maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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