i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
