My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize