If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
