It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
