if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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