So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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