my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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