So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
