I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
