You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize