Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
