How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
