On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
