I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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