Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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