No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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