Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
