I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
