Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize