Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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