mondays should just be called national damage control day
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
