so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize