By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
