I can text with my tongue
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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