I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
