fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
