are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Your penis caused this!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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