his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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