We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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