I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
