do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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